Friday, February 10, 2006

10:55 PM

Mr. Gabriel's gonna mark me down for truancy.

Allow me to elaborate although I must warn you, you might not want to be my friend ever again because you'll see how selfish and pathetic I am.

My class had to do our CIP (Community Involvement Programme) yesterday which involves organising a Chinese New Year celebration for the eldery. That was perfectly fine. I was a-ok. Anyway, before we went to the void deck, I saw Rashidah and Gloria practising their dance.

I joined in, I wanted some fun.

But I suck at dancing, its just not my thing. I tried, I really did but I can't seem to get the moves right. I just couldn't. Even Natasha and Suyanti could get it done. Somehow I felt like everyone would rather have me out. Rashidah was probably just being nice by saying she wants me in.

Call it my imagination.

Anyway, we had some time before we had to perform. That was when things started to get really weird. I was probably already under a lot of strain and stress without realising it. I prided myself of being able to be calm under pressure. I guess I was able to keep my cool by supressing all the negativity within...

So, back to our practise. As I've said, I was having trouble. Priscilla and Josslyn, who only saw our moves could even have some imput. I saw Suzanne really helping Natasha with the moves although she was very brief with me. They were having so much fun and I couldn't. I hate it! Hate it! Hate it!

I think thats when I sort of started crying. I rubbed the tears away. I wanted so badly yet I wanted to perform as well. I wanted fun, rememeber? And this is CIP, this isn't for us. Its for the eldery!

Without warning, I -snapped-.

I walked towards the back... no one notices me. They only saw me when I slipped past them.I moved faster and faster. I hear shouts. Natasha gave chase but I broke into a run before she could catch me.

We walked for awhile, ran for awhile. I cried somemore. Its all very vague. Natasha said something like cry if you want to. Like heck, I'm already crying! She gave me a hug. Didn't really help, only felt warm. Priscilla saw me and gave me a hug too before leading me back to the void deck.

Mr Gabriel either caught my grim face or my red eyes cause he asked whats up. Fucking asshole, trying to play casual. I remained the fortress that I am. Everyone left me alone cause they had their own duties.

Basically, I wondered about, thinking what went wrong. I heard the cheers and delightful screams. It gave me a frightful headache. I couldn't stand it. Fun comes so easily to them but somehow, I'm so moody. I must have looked pathetic.

I wanted to see the show but I don't want everyone to see my sorry ass. I went over to the opposite block and climbed to the second floor and watched from there. Everyone was cheering at something. No one noticed I was gone...

You know why?

Because I'M A NOBODY!

I MEAN NOTHING TO ANYONE.

Then, I saw John and Joshua going up and down the block, looking for me. Now, don't think they care. Teacher's instructions. I wanted to stay where I was but nevertheless, I went back. Mr Gabriel didn't look too happy.

He questioned me, thought I went home. Called my house. Blah blah blah. Fuck his words. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARE! YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO GET INTO TROUBLE CAUSE I'M YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. I can't believe I said 'sorry'. He went off again.

Joshua came over and sort of placed his arm over my shoulder. Said something, blah blah blah. Mr Gabriel came back. Said stuff, blah blah blah. Gonna mark me for truancy unless I give a good reason. Disciplinary actions will be taken.

Trust me, I know I come off as angry and bitchy right now but I was really, really miserable back there. I was like whimpering and my words couldn't come out right... I said something like, "I don't know.... something just *whimper*... snap-*whimper*ped." More crying.

Well, there's more to this little story but I promise myself not to put my innermost thoughts here. No one deserves knowing them. This is pretty much the best I can give to those I care.

My last words to those who pretend to care: Fuck you all.

_Pull the knife from my back' ;